Anyone for a blind date?

So, The Undateables is back on Channel 4. Or, as I like to call it ‘Would You Shag A Crip?’ It’s that time of the year when people can patronise disabled people by oooo-ing and ahhh-ing about them on television and saying how cute they look.

A  bit like this……and this. Safe in the knowledge that they would never even consider dating them in real life. Or maybe I’m just bitter because I’m still single and no-one seems to look past the disability!

Let’s be honest, none of us want to be left on the shelf. And I don’t mean the one in Tesco. I mean the one in the big dating supermarket of life. The one where the most desirable people have already been taken, the cheapest have been used and brought back for a refund and the rest of us just sit there like Tesco own brand red sauce – not as tasty and hardly ever picked up.

Wheelchair sumo wrestling

I, for one, don’t want to get left on that particular shelf. I don’t want to be the person who ends up as a 50 year old with only cats and internet porn as company. I don’t want to be the person who looks forward to holiday snaps being posted on Facebook in the hope of some bikini shots. And I don’t want to be the kind of person who picks up the latest Argos catalogue only to realise that they don’t even sell underwear when I get it home.

Dating is hard though, especially when you’re disabled. I would try speed dating but by the time it took me to type a sentence, it’d be time to move on to the next person. Not so much ‘speed dating’ and more ‘speed introducing yourself to loads of strangers and then awkwardly running out of time before getting their name’. I’d not meet my future wife but I’d improve my typing speed! In fact, last time I went speed dating, this happened….

These dating site TV adverts are bollocks too. Like the one with the shoelaces….

Firstly, they didn’t even meet online! They met in a shoe shop out in the real world. Are you telling me that I have to spend all my time in Clarks in the hope that I pick someone up?! If so, I prefer velcro shoes anyway. There’s not much chance of them getting caught up with some laces, is there? Yes, many children tend to wear velcro shoes but they’re not my target market! So I’d have to wait there until someone with something sticky came in for some shoes and then hope that my velcro caught onto them and I got dragged back to their place like some toilet paper that’s stuck to their foot. However much they tried, they wouldn’t get rid of me. On the up side, I’d get to go on the Clarks foot measuring machine. A LOT.

Secondly, they met by getting accidentally tied up. I don’t know about you but the last time I tied someone up and told them we were meant to be together, I got a restraining order and not a shag!

The duet advert is equally misleading………

Liking Godfather 3 is never a good basis to start a relationship on! Also, her voice is enough to put anyone off. She should have stuck to emailing him. These two hipsters would split up in no time because one of them didn’t like the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah album. He’s clearly just agreeing with her to get into her knickers anyway. If she had any sense, she would see through this and find someone who really did like old movies – ones that were actually old and in black and white. She probably isn’t single anyway. Her relationship status on Facebook is probably set to ‘it’s complicated’.

The true face of online dating

Why can’t these adverts be more honest? I want to see a guy sitting in his pants in his bedroom, judging girls on their pictures alone. He doesn’t care if you like old movies, just as long as you have big tits and don’t have a kid. Honestly. He should also have lied to the back teeth on his profile and used a picture of himself from ten years ago, before the weight gain and the baldness kicked in. In reality, he farts in his sleep and is into S&M. On his profile he is ‘playful and likes to make music’.

Let’s be honest, Fred West probably didn’t mention that he was a mass murderer on his eharmony profile. He probably put he was into the opposite sex and hoped to share his love of building with them.

Adolf Hitler probably didn’t mention that he only had one ball. Instead he probably said he was looking for someone to complete him.

And Nick Clegg probably didn’t admit to being Nick Clegg.

I’ve digressed a bit but you get my point. The dating game is so confusing these days. I’m always open to new ways of meeting people though so when an advert for a disabled dating website flashed up on Facebook I thought I’d give it a go.

It’s opening line was:

“Dating disabled is not something to be ashamed of. Date in confidence and find the person that is right for you.”

It came as such a relief. I was glad it was nothing to be ashamed of and I’m glad that the website had told me so. There I was thinking that dating a disabled person was akin to murdering a baby. THANK YOU WEBSITE FOR PUTTING MY MIND AT REST!

Undeterred by this, I thought I’d try other disabled dating websites. The next one said:

“This is an International dating site, not only FOR disabled men and women but also for those not afraid to take on the responsibility FOR them. This is our possible contribution on the solution of the problems of the handicapped people.”

Oh, I was grateful that there was such a website. A website not only for disabled people but for those who didn’t mind taking on the responsibility. Basically it was saying don’t be afraid, there’s someone who’ll look after you when you can no longer wank yourself. I think they’d confused disabled people with pets. Not that I’ve wanked many dogs. Just the one.

Thank you website for ‘your contribution on the solution of the problems of handicapped people’. Let’s just hope you never go into medicine!

Disabled or simply a benefit cheat?

The third site I went on offered blind dates. How exciting and mysterious I thought! It was only when I saw the option for deaf dating next to it that I realised it meant literally blind and probably didn’t involve Cilla Black or ‘Our Graham’.

The fourth site offered me the chance to meet ‘single men and women who share your challenge’. My challenge? I wasn’t aware I was playing the Crystal Maze! Maybe I can swap some crystals for a new voice? How about it, Richard?!

Some of the photos used to advertise these sites looked like the people in them were only pretending to be disabled to claim benefits and the free parking as well. Maybe they were. Who knows.

One thing is for sure, I’m still on the shelf, next to the Weetabix and above the Coco Pops, and I still haven’t found my ‘true love’. I’ll see you down the red light district then. They have some great half price offers on amputees!

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