We’ve all been there. haven’t we? You’re out somewhere, minding your own business, having a good time, when suddenly……..BAM…..some random stranger accosts you and instantly wants to be your new best friend. It’s not like having a poo either (although sometimes I wonder if I should do this while talking to them….in their mouths), you get no warning that it’s going to happen. Like an unwanted text from O2, they just appear out of nowhere to annoy you. Unlike the O2 text, you can’t just delete them either (legally speaking anyway).
It happens to me far too often. It’s like the Lynx effect gone wrong. Instead of having hot girls inexplicably chasing after you because you smell like a teenage boys changing room after football practice, you get the type of people who live on their own and throw cats at passing cars just because they make a scary noise wanting to know your life story. At least Anne Frank had a diary she could refer them to for further information.
Admittedly, I’m bound to attract attention because I use a computer to talk. It’s kind of hard to blend into the crowd when you look like a Stephen Hawking wannabe (only cleverer and better looking). And fair enough, people are curious about my disability, I don’t mind that. Just leave me alone after I’ve entertained your curiousity for five minutes (unless, of course, you are female and fit, then you’re welcome to come back to mine so I can show you the charger).
Be original too. If I hear the words “what’s that for?” while someone points to my computer one more time then I may explode. And saying “is that your laptop hur hur hur? Can you get internet porn on there hur hur hur?” wasn’t funny the first time I heard it. I think I’m on the 1,578th time at the moment. Do you come from the Keith Chegwin school of comedy? Incidentally, I’ve tried several times and I can’t get porn on it, no.
I must admit that it is funny making up replies just to see their reaction. I have stopped with the “it’s a bomb” line though now we’re post 9/11. It’s a shame really. It was good watching them trying to work out if I was serious or not. I feel that I’d got my serious face perfected too. Proof that terrorists ruin EVERYTHING.
On other occasions, I play the disability card (you never got that in the Game Of Life, did you?) and just pretend I just can’t speak at all. You’ll find that after a few minutes they’ll give up and walk away…..as I turn around start a conversation with a mate.
The thing that really made me think about all this though was the recent incident when I was on a night out and a very drunk, older woman sat down next to me and started to chat. I had already marked her down for being both very drunk (and therefore very annoying) and being old (but dressed like a desperate 18 year old virgin who was dying for some cock). So when she uttered the sentence “it must be a pisser not being able to speak like”, that was the end of the line and the conversation was about to die an ugly death. Not before I’d entered her into the Understatement Of The Year awards though. I have high hopes that she’ll win.
In hindsight, I wish I’d asked her opinion about other stuff too. I’m sure that according to her 9/11 was probably a bit of a shame, Harold Shipman was probably a bit of a tinker and TV programme ‘My Family’ was probably a bit unfunny.
It also led me to wonder how we can get rid of these people without actually telling them just to fuck off. These are some of the ways that I thought of:
- Defend Gary Glitter. “Everyone deserves a second chance and I think Gary has been through enough. Let’s start a donation fund for his gang.”
- Stare at their forehead during the entire conversation.
- Sketch them while they are talking to you. Be sure to exaggerate any noticeable imperfections before handing them the picture.
- Insist on typing everything they say ‘for your records’.
- Wear a superhero costume under your clothes. Say “Can you keep a secret?” and then lift up your shirt.
- Argue that dinosaurs never existed. “Aliens put dinosaur bones on Earth years ago so that we would think they existed.”
- Refuse to speak until they’ve given you their date of birth and mother’s maiden name.
- Mention Justin Bieber.
- Mention One Direction.
- Mention Justin Bieber AND One Direction.
- Ask people to prove everything they say Wikipedia style.
- Insist on fist bumping and saying “Brap brap” every time you say something impressive. Combine with gunfingers for best results.
- Carry an ‘unfollow’ sign that you can click when you’ve had enough.
Of course, you could always rely on your friends to come to the rescue as well. Just figure out a signal or a phrase that can be used to indicate that you need saving. Maybe a small hand gesture to get their attention. I wouldn’t recommend using this approach at a Steps gig though. It could get VERY confusing.
You could use phrases such as ‘the sedated mouse is in need of a companion’ , ‘the monkey doesn’t want the custard’ or ‘the pheasant has no agenda’ too. Your friend can then swoop in and save you from the clutches of evil….or an annoying person at least. These probably won’t work very well if you’re at a zoo though.
You could, of course, just excuse yourself and pretend you need the toilet then run away thus making this whole blog post a bit pointless. That’s not nearly as funny though……