How to NOT look good scary

This weekend sees the return of a freaky festival of monsters and ghouls. Indeed it will be close to midnight and something evil may actually be lurkin’ from the dark. Under moonlight, you may see a sight that almost stops your heart. You might try to scream but, trust me, terror will take the sound before you make it. You’ll start to freeze, as terror looks you right between your eyes and you’re paralyzed……

….but that’s enough about Jimmy Savile. This weekend is also Halloween.  The only time when adults can dress up in their fetish gear and kids can take sweets off strangers without anyone saying a word. In fact, this time of year is a great time for the murderers among us. On Halloween, they get free home delivery and on bonfire night they get to dispose of the bodies.

Of course, the Americans gave us Halloween. It’s just a shame we didn’t give them irony and proper spelling in return.

I’m not going to a Halloween party this year. I mean I’ve told my mate I was going to his as Maddie McCann but it was nicer than saying I wasn’t going. I nearly decided to dress up as Gandalf, but I can’t help but think I’ve left it a bit late to get the costume together. You just can’t get the staff these days.

My other mate doesn’t like Halloween anyway. He said there’s one thing he hates about Halloween. “Which is?” I asked. “Yeah,” he replied, “they freak me out.”

Anyway, I digress. As I lay on  my bed yesterday morning watching Adrian and Christine (they’d left their curtains open again), I couldn’t help feeling that something was missing from the whole Halloween thing. You always see people dressed up as ghosts or devils or Frankenstein (although I’m still adamant that that was Peter Crouch on a bender and feeling worse for wear). I even saw a kid dressed up as predator once, ironically he knocked on Gary Glitter’s door. But where is the originality? What Halloween needs is some fashion advice! So, here’s mine….

Osama the shepherd

Osama the shepherd

DO NOT under any circumstances think that it is acceptable to dress up as a hate figure about a month after they’ve caused worldwide havoc. Take, for example, Osama Bin Laden. It is not in good taste to dress up as him on Halloween 2001, even if the shepherds costume – which looked remarkably similar to something that he would wear – was the cheapest you could find in the fancy dress shop. Upon realising this fact, don’t then listen to your ‘mates’ who may proceed to dare you to go as the aforementioned terrorist mastermind ‘for a laugh’.

You may ask why this is so? Well, apart from the obvious reasons of it being very un-PC, it is because you might end up going to a club and suddenly realise that the bouncers are American. To avoid being put in bright orange overalls and taken away to be waterboarded, you will then have to quickly hide your props, make yourself look like a shepherd again and then try to figure out why a shepherd would be scary enough to dress up as one for Halloween.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there’s many scary shepherds out there getting excited by red skies at night  (after they’ve set some fields on fire) and god knows what they put in their pies. It’s just a bit of a hassle trying to make up a story along those lines. Not that you shouldn’t try like I did, of course. But, when you’re edging closer to the front of the queue, a little worse for wear and trying to make yourself look a little less ‘terroristy’, it is really hard to think at the same time. After all, I’m a man, I don’t do multitasking. Luckily, my half shepherd, half terrorist hybrid must have done the trick as I was let in without any dirty looks. Osama the shepherd was born.

The ghost of Jacko

The ghost of Jacko

Once bitten, twice shy is what they say. I’m sure this applies to most people. I’m not one of them it seems.  My second tip is to not to try to dress up as the ghost of Michael Jackson and try to accessorise the costume with a doll taped to your crotch. This is for a number of reasons.

Firstly, you should try looking for a doll suitable for such a purpose without looking like you’re really REALLY weird and belong on some sort of register. Incidentally, the staff in the Early Learning Centre were very patient with me at first. Probably because I looked like I belonged in such a shop anyway. It was only when I started sizing up the dolls that eyebrows were raised, children were told to ‘come stand by mammy and away from the man’ and I was asked to leave by security. Luckily, Wilkinsons didn’t seem to give a shit and I eventually found a doll.

The second reason why it is a bad idea is because most Halloween parties eventually lead to a bit of trick and treating in the end. Have you tried getting any kind of treat at all dressed up as a paedo MJ? No? Well, let me tell you it isn’t easy! The vampire got something no problem. So did the witch (or my girlfriend as she was more commonly known as).

But when it came to my turn and Mammy and Daddy had to explain to little Timmy on their doorstep who I was dressed up as and why I seemingly had a doll sucking me off, all the kindness suddenly disappeared as the door slammed shut. Still, at least the families on the Metro on the way home couldn’t just ignore me. I’d like to think I started some awkward conversations that night.

Talking about Metro journeys, don’t ever try to get on public transport dressed as a headless ghost. Not only is it very difficult to physically do, but the looks that you will get will make you feel like the biggest freak on the Metro (and that’s some achievement). The fact that the costume had just about fallen off by the time I had reached the party, meaning that essentially I just looked like a terminally ill bloke  with a white face, is another point to take into consideration.

Lee the headless ghost

Lee the headless ghost

Gaddafi Duck

I recently dressed up as Colonel Gaddafi as well (can you see a pattern forming?). Now, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Bin Laden, Jacko and Gaddafi have all died since I dressed up as them. I think that I’m probably a twisted version of Paul the Octopus who used to predict  the World Cup football results. Whoever I dress up as ends up dead. My Margaret Thatcher/David Cameron hybrid costume is coming on great! Although, I do fear that I’ll end up looking like Harvey Two Face out of Batman (with fewer morals).

Gaddafi once had it all and slowly watched his empire crumble. The trusted fled to opposition and now defence has collapsed… now the world is laughing at you. Sorry, did I say Gaddafi? I meant Wenger.

Apparently, during his last days Gaddafi went into hiding and surrounded himself with forty virgins. Which is why they knew he wasn’t in Newcastle. There were also rumours that he may have slipped into Jordan. These have been denied by Katie Price though.

Of course, there is some help out there if you want to create the ultimate Halloween costume. As the picture below shows, Tesco proved that every little does help as they give you the option of dressing up as a Ku Klux Klan member or as the 70’s songwriter, Roy Wood. Because nothing says ‘I’m not scary really, I’m just a little cutie pie kid’ like dressing up as a white supremacist. What next? Children going into Mosques dressed as Peppa Pig?!

Halloween Tesco style

Halloween Tesco style

If you’re really really committed to your Halloween being a success, why not do what the man in this picture has done and just try to look as much like Hitler as he can ALL year round. This not only saves him having to spend money on expensive costumes each year, it also makes his trips to see old soldier pals in residential homes a barrel of laughs! Old Bert still suffers flashbacks every time he sees this ‘bus Hitler’ which is much more entertaining for the others than an afternoon of bingo and pissing their pants. I can’t wait until they see his mate who looks like Harold Shipman!

Halloween Hitler

Halloween Hitler

One final note though.  It doesn’t count as a costume if you just look exactly like Family Guy’s Peter Griffin like this bloke on Masterchef did recently. Must. Try. Harder.

The real Peter Griffin

The real Peter Griffin

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