Have you got the Crip Factor?

This weekend sees the final of the TV beast that is known as The X Factor. Not only does this mean that Louis Walsh will have more time on his hands to go in One Direction, it also means I can stop avoiding Twitter on a weekend evening in case I get bombarded with tweets about people who I don’t give a fuck about (unless Adrian Chiles gets a new show, of course. That’s highly unlikely any time soon).

It has got me thinking though. You don’t seem to see many disabled people on X Factor. Sure, we’ve seen many ‘special’ people on the programme over the years but I doubt they’d be able to claim disability benefits for being thick/weird. Saying that, with David Cameron in charge, even the bloke in the wheelchair on the BBC One idents will struggle to prove he’s entitled to benefits soon!

Disabled people would be great on the X Factor. For a start, we’ve all got ready made sob stories. We’d still embellish them a bit for maximum effect, of course.  As well as not being able to speak, I was thinking of being an orphan who then loses my foster parents who slip and die instantly in a freak public toilet accident at a service station in Carlisle on our way to visit my long lost brother. This, in turn, causes me to never to visit a public toilet again and results in me wetting my pants in Woolworths one day. The humiliation of that makes me a virtual recluse, only venturing out of the house to buy Fast Forward every week, not realising it isn’t even published any more. But, still, winning X Factor would make that all go away!

We are already emotionally fragile too, which seems to be another prerequisite for any X Factor contestant. If anything, we’d cope better with being judged and pointed at. It happens to us every day anyway! The only difference will be that it’ll be on television. As an aside, Channel 5 may object to ITV taking all their ‘documentary’ material away from them.

Ever since I was in that disabled Steps tribute band called ‘Ramps’, I’ve wanted to be famous. Yes, our dance to Tragedy wasn’t up to much. In fact, that’s better best forgotten. But that was the last thing on our minds. I actually applied to be on Pop Idol once just to see the looks on their faces when I walked on stage and couldn’t sing. That was in the days of applying by email and I never got invited to auditions. Bastards.

I propose that The X Factor have a spin off show hosted by Gordon Burns and called the ‘Crips On Factor’. We could have the most successful disabled musicians (and me) competing to be Crips On Factor champion. It’d be amazing television. Just imagine Ian Dury, Ludwig van Beethoven, Ray Charles and the asthmatic Kenny G all fighting it out to be in the final three. Ian Curtis would get kicked out for being a trouble maker obviously.

Of course, only three would make it all the way, and here they are…

STEVIE WONDER

STEPHEN HAWKING

AND, OF COURSE, ME SINGING ‘I’M A SCATMAN’ 

Or listen at

BUT WHO WINS, VOTE NOW…..

UPDATE – The poll is now closed and the votes have been counted and verified, thankfully not by Robert Mugabe. The winner of Crip Factor 2011 is……..

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………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..STEPHEN HAWKING!

  3 comments for “Have you got the Crip Factor?

  1. December 10, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    Very funny, old bean. I can honestly say that if you were on the X Factor, I would actually watch it for a change. Ok, that’s a lie, I would still rather burn my eyes out with battery acid but still, your musical career can’t be far from being discovered.

  2. Hotlips
    December 23, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Hawking! Fix, fix, fix! I’m outraged! The real talent was the lost voice guy!

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