Not now silent singer!

Gareth Gates

Will I be the next Gareth Gates?

Have you ever wondered what would happen if someone who couldn’t speak tried to go on The X Factor? Probably not but I have. Probably because I’m a bit of a bastard. I often think about going on The X Factor just to see the look on their faces when they realise I can’t actually sing. Or dance. Or talk. I imagine it would both be very awkward and very funny. I did once apply to be on Pop Idol but that was in the days of applying by post/email and I never heard back. I’d love to be able to tell Simon that ‘I started off in a disabled Steps tribute band. We were called Ramps. That was a bit of an uphill struggle’.

Alas, I have never been able to find out what would happen…..until now. It just so happens that The X Factor auditions are in Newcastle this weekend and all I have to do is turn up and wait my turn. It’s probably not worth waiting in a queue all day just to have a laugh right? I thought that too. So I checked and there’s a ‘special assistance’ queue for disabled people. How nice of them! Getting up dead early for when it opens at 8am will be a bit of a drag but I can live with that.

My plan is to use my iPad to ‘sing’ some lyrics. The interesting part will be how far I get before they send me home. I obviously can’t sing so I won’t get far but will they let me try anyway? Will they feel too awkward to stop me? Will they see the funny side and let me continue? If Gareth Gates can do it on Pop Idol with his s…s…s……stutter then so can I, right? Maybe I’ll have to play the disability card (last seen on early versions of Monopoly before it got approved). There’s only really one way to find out! I just hope I don’t get barred like these disabled people at a karaoke night.

The other problem is working out which song to ‘sing’. It needs to be something slightly wrong and inappropriate but I haven’t had many ideas yet. I’ve no doubt that my mind will work its magic sooner or later though. My mind is like that. It decides to work at the completely wrong moment… at a funeral, the scene of a bad accident or during sexual intercourse. As you can tell, it doesn’t decide to work very often.

My best mate entered The X Factor last year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I could. So I killed his mum.It made for quite a sob story.

My friend once told me to buy Rage Against the Machine’s “Killing In The Name” in protest against The X Factor always getting the Christmas number one. I said, “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me.” Besides, I was too busy keeping up my own campaign of punching the winners in bookshops.

The irony of all of this is that I hate The X Factor and I even have the hashtag muted on my Twitter feed. That’s probably for the best. If I do make it onto television, I’d hate to think what people would say about my singing abilities. I just think that it represents all that is wrong with all this reality/talent show bollocks on television at the moment. What was wrong with a bit of Catchphrase and Noel’s House Party (except from Noel, of course!).

Anyway, I’ll try to tweet on the day of the auditions to keep you all updated. You can follow what is going on and show your support by following me on Twitter – [twitter-follow screen_name='lee_ridley']– or by following the hashtag #CripOnFactor

If you would like to come along at 8am next Saturday morning (and let’s face it, who wouldn’t!?) then I’d very much welcome the company! Just let me know.

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