Earlier today I went along to The X Factor auditions in Newcastle. It just seemed the obvious thing to do for a disabled bloke with no speech on a boring Saturday. I didn’t expect to get very far. In fact, I didn’t even know if I’d get in the door. This is why the following account of events this morning sort of amuses me greatly.
I decided to do ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ because it was suggested to me on Twitter and I thought it seemed apt in a deluded kind of way. I got up this morning at 6am, which admittedly was a struggle, to get to the auditions for 8am. Once there, I was put into ‘pen B’ which was for the disabled applicants. I thought it apt that staff referred to them as pen A and pen B as if we were cattle going to the slaughter (or to make processed music, at least).
I was signed in by an assistant who talked to me through my communication device. This begs the question of how she expected me to sing when she could see I couldn’t talk. Was she just being polite? Two more people spoke to me in the same way and still no questions were asked. I found this to be strange but obviously, the fewer questions asked the better. A policy that seems to have backfired on Rupert Murdoch recently.
I digress. After standing in the cold for an hour and watching X Factor production staff getting people to sing ‘Fog On The Tyne’ and ‘Let’s Get Ready To Rumble’ (stereotypical much?), we were eventually let into the venue (which was the Metro Radio Arena). If I’m honest, I’m surprised they didn’t bring in the fat topless bloke from Newcastle games just for good measure. Or maybe Gazza with some chicken, dressing gown and a fishing rod.
Once inside, we had to sit together in the main arena bit and wait to be called for our audition. Everyone around me started rehearsing and I did start to feel a tiny bit bad for potentially wasting someone’s opportunity. Not that much though. I’m a bastard. Even when I was waiting to go in, one of The X Factor people asked me what I was going to sing. I thought she was going to say something. But when I told her I was singing ‘I Believe I Can Fly’, she told me how much she loved that song and that was that. Bless.
When I finally got in for my audition (which was basically in the side corridors of the arena) I was greeted by two production assistant type people who were my judge and jury. The moment of truth had arrived!
I could see straight away that they weren’t sure about what was going to happen. They even asked me if I was going to sing, like they were double checking I knew what I was there for or something. I broke into I Believe I can Fly and the looks on their faces were priceless. I tried not to laugh too much (but if you know me, you’ll know that’s impossible) and just sway along to the words.
You could tell they were still trying to figure out if I was serious or not. In my opinion, I quite obviously wasn’t (I even had my Lost Voice t-shirt on, how many clues did they need?!) but the sense of humour seemed to be lost in translation. After only few verses and some very weird glances, they stopped me and told me I wasn’t going through to the next stage. Part of me thought they looked annoyed at me for being a twat and wasting their precious time. I hope they were anyway. I asked if I had sounded too flat as I walked out. Still not a smile.
Alas, I have decided to record my ‘loser’s song’ and put it on here instead. On the bright side, I won’t have to watch The X Factor this year. That was a very scary prospect indeed!
- Supporters wanted for my X Factor audition piss take (lostvoiceguy.com)
- Not now silent singer! (lostvoiceguy.com)
- Have you got the Crip Factor? (lostvoiceguy.wordpress.com)