So, I get the feeling that it might be Christmas soon. I’m not looking forward to it really. It just brings back bad memories ever since my grandad was run over by a Coca Cola truck.
On top of that, I do remember the shock I felt when I found out about Santa. It was an awful feeling. I had spent years writing to him, looking up to him, and admiring his work. I never even got a reply but I kept the faith. Everybody loved him. Then I found out the truth and I was devastated. It had all been a lie.
No. Wait. I’m thinking about Jimmy Saville.
Christmas just makes people greedy though. It’s even evident in the Christmas songs that we sing. Take ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’ for example. Sure it starts off nice enough, it soon descends into demands for figgy pudding though! They don’t just ask for it politely either. They order “bring it right here” and then refuse to leave until they get some. Does anyone else see a similarity between this and the Occupy movement that is going on right now. In fact, if St Paul’s bring out some figgy pudding, they’re problems might be solved! What the fuck is figgy pudding anyway?
Then there’s Mariah Carey who only wants you for Christmas. That’s quite a big ask Mariah! Whoever ‘you’ is probably has a life of their own with friends and family. Not to mention a job and a house. They maybe even have a garden or pet to look after. Mariah wants ‘you’ to fuck all of that though and go be with her. The selfish cow. It is these demands that have caused all these problems in the first place. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the girl who wants her two front teeth either – the greedy bitch. Doesn’t she know how much dental treatment costs?!
Roy Wood wishes it was Christmas every day eh? He hasn’t thought this through. He’d never get any post or milk delivered for a start.
Santa Claus isn’t innocent either (and I mean the REAL one, not the fake ones on Twitter). For a start, he’s responsible for human rights violations that would cause the biggest of uprisings. Not only does he employ young children to do all his work under the guise of ‘elves’ but he provides them with no safety equipment while working with what can only be described as modern technology for the 18th Century. On top of this, he forces them to dress in silly green outfits with silly green shoes. God knows what shape their feet will grow into!
By putting this bizarre child labour camp in the North Pole, he is also endangering a very delicate ecosystem with the toxic gases that flow from his factory for 364 days a year. Not only is this expanding the hole in the ozone layer at an alarming rate but it is also going to put David Attenborough out of a job. The polar bear is already nearly extinct without Santa’s help. The next series of Frozen Planet will be just Attenborough drowning in loads of water………in a swimming pool in Cardiff.
Polar bears aren’t the only animals to suffer due to Santa, however- his team of nine-reindeer is forced to work for twenty-four hours straight without food, drink, or rest. Instead, Santa expects these innocent and helpless animals to perform impossible tasks, like flying through the air without the help of any devices to get them airborne. There is also evidence that Santa may have genetically altered the lead reindeer, replacing his nose with a bright, red light.
Santa has committed crimes outside of the North Pole too, areas where laws should be easily enforced. This includes flying an unregistered vehicle, a large sleigh, through multiple restricted areas. Some may view this as only a minor infraction, but terrorists share participation in this activity.
It doesn’t stop there either. He KNOWS when you are sleeping, he KNOWS when you’re awake. He invites children to sit on his knee and issues false promises of sweets and toys. Child stalker much? Essentially he’s just a fatter Gary Glitter with a more convincing beard.
He breaks into millions of houses and apartments all within the same night, having never once been caught, a feat all other criminals are no doubt envious of. Once inside a home, Santa robs the sleeping inhabitants of cookies and milk before abandoning dangerous “toys” and “gifts” for the younger members of the household. These items often include lead-paint covered products, dangerous sports equipment, and in rare cases, coal – a toxic substance. Afterwards, Santa ditches the house and escapes through the chimney, leaving the family to discover they’ve been robbed and cursed with these dangerous items after waking up in the morning.
He’s even grossly overweight, kisses other mummies and only works one day a year. How the hell he hasn’t been on Jeremy Kyle before, I do not know! No wonder the rest of the world is so messed up!
Of course, Christmas isn’t all bad. I quite like the snow and ice really. It’s the only time that you all walk as badly as I do. It’s better to believe in Santa than Nick Clegg too. And don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus. He’s born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate. All I’m saying is that Christmas is probably at the root at all of our problems.
I’d like to wish all my readers a Christmas and a New Year. With David Cameron in charge, I doubt it’ll be either merry or happy.
Oh, and I’ve sang you this to cheer you up again, enjoy the evil Santa photos (for extra humour, turn on the transcribe audio function and see what YouTube thinks I’m saying!)……