Guinness – bringing the legless together

Have you guys watched the latest Guinness advert with the wheelchair basketball in it? If you haven’t, the basic premise of the advert is that a group of friends all get into wheelchairs to play basketball because one of them is actually in a wheelchair.

They then go to the pub for a pint of Guinness (because that’s obviously what you need after getting all hot and sweaty?!). The point being that that is what a true friend would do.

I’m assuming that’s what it’s trying to say anyway. Maybe they were all disabled to start with and it’s trying to imply that if you drink Guinness, you will magically regain the ability to walk again. After tests, it turns out that drinking copious amounts of Guinness will have the completely opposite effect. It makes you legless.

To be honest, I’m not sure that these friends have thought this through. For a start, after the game they will all stand up and walk away. Imagine how this will make the poor bloke in the wheelchair feel! If he tried that, he’d end up falling flat on his face. Instead he has to watch as all his mates blatantly take the piss by standing up again while he’s stuck in his wheelchair for the rest of his life. Cheers lads!

I don’t think they realise how expensive wheelchairs are either. They’ll never be able to afford a round of drinks after shelling out for one of those. After buying the wheelchair, they’d then have to learn to use it to such an extent that they could whizz around the basketball court with ease. It’s not as easy as it looks. In fact, It’d probably be cheaper and easier to attach some rope to the disabled guy and make him stand up.  A bit like a sporting version of Punch and Judy (with less domestic violence).

If they wanted to include him in their activities why didn’t they just go bowling or to play bingo or something instead? Even roller skating would have been a bit more inclusive. That way, they wouldn’t have to pretend to be disabled for a few hours and he wouldn’t have to force a smile when they all stood up at the end while he died a little bit more inside.

If they really were good friends, I would expect them to go out and get themselves paralysed anyway. That would even it up a bit. To keep it on brand, they could even get hit by a car being driven by someone who was over the limit because they’d had too many pints of Guinness. Let’s see how eager they were to play wheelchair basketball following months and months of rehabilitation and drinking pints through a straw.

I have also always believed that you shouldn’t treat disabled people differently anyway. If anything, they should have played basketball standing up and made the disabled guy work harder for the ball. The lazy bastard. When I used to play football with my friends, I didn’t make them all run around like fake disabled people who were claiming benefits illegally. I just got on with it. In hindsight, maybe I should have done, then I’d actually have got a kick of the ball. Still, years of running aimlessly around a football pitch kept me fit I suppose. When I didn’t fall over. Which was always. I really should have just stuck with playing Football Manager on my computer.

Let’s face it, It’s pretty patronising that anyone would mimic a disability just to make that person feel included. That would be like you meeting Stephen Hawking and then looking over your shoulder and talking like a robot while speaking to him. Or closing your eyes and using a guide dog when meeting David Blunkett. Or turning into a greedy bitch when meeting Heather Mills.

I’ve been thinking though. The equivalent advert for me would see everyone using an iPad to speak with. And that would just be fucking weird. For a start, every conversation would take hours, especially if they were drunk on Guinness. I just haven’t got the time to wait for some illiterate bloke to try to spell his own name either. Autocorrect would be a ducking nightmare too.

My main worry is that everyone would have exactly the same voice. How confusing would that be! It’s bad enough when I get in a lift and my own voice talks back to me and tells me that I’m going down, I can never tell if it’s just the voice in my head trying to knock my confidence or not. So having a room full of people with the same voice would drive me insane!

In fact, it would look something like this….

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