Because of who I am, I spend a lot of time on the road. Not just because I’m very unsteady on my feet and I always seem to trip up and fall into oncoming traffic either (at least, that’s the story I tell my therapist). Doing comedy has taken me all over the place, and it means that I spend quite a lot of time in hotels.
Of course, whenever I book into hotels, I always get asked if I want an accessible room. This question has always confused me. I mean who the fuck is going around asking to stay in an inaccessible room?! Surely by their very nature, all hotel rooms are accessible.
Or am I missing something? Does every hotel have a floor of inaccessible rooms for guests who like a bit more of a challenge before they get some sleep......or fuck a prostitute. What you do in your hotel room is nothing to do with me!
Do these floors have cleaners along the corridor, who are waving henry hoovers in your face and trying to block your path?
Is it like the Krypton Factor and is there an assault course made up of random furniture thrown all over the place. Mattresses piled on top of each other, kettles full of boiling water ready to tip all over you, and a Corby Trouser Press that is finally being used for something?
And is Lenny Henry standing at the end of the corridor, like the end of level boss on Super Mario Brothers, slowly killing you from the inside by telling bad joke after bad joke.
Let’s face it, even if you did survive all of this, I can guarantee you that no matter how many different ways you tried it, the bastard key card still wouldn’t fucking work in the door.
But, my absolute favourite thing to do in hotel rooms is write notes and hide them for other guests to find after I have left. Below are some of my favourite notes I have left so far.
I'd love it if you shared your own hotel room notes that you have hidden. You can tweet them to me @lostvoiceguy, email firstname.lastname@example.org or submit them to the Tumblr page at https://hotelroomnotes.tumblr.com