I am writing this blog post because I feel I must apologise to you all. It has been brought to my attention that some of you come to comedy gigs to see those traditional comedians who can actually speak.
Just so we are clear, I'm afraid that won't be happening if you come to see me....unless any of you can perform miracles. And even if you could, I'd rather you didn't try. That would really fuck up my career.
The fact that some people like old fashioned speaking was made clear to me by a tweet from another 'comedian'. He has deleted all tweets relating to the matter now and changed his Twitter handle as well. But, in case you were wondering, he is now @DontLikeMe_Good and screenshots of his tweets are below.
As you can tell, he is clearly a very pleasant human being. According to him, I just get up on stage and then click and go. Which I always thought was a shampoo.
Of course, he is right. Can you imagine how hard my life would be if I could actually talk? It just doesn't bear thinking about! I'd have to remember how to say words, remember how to form sentences and remember all my jokes. Clearly by choosing to be disabled, I have taken the easy way out. And for that, I am truly sorry.
Also, I don't like being pedantic, but this isn't 1998, and I clearly don't use a laptop. If he can't tell the difference between a laptop and an iPad, I'd suggest he has bigger problems than the way I tell my jokes.
Whatever will we have next?! People who are so lazy that they use wheels instead of legs.
Blind people who use dogs as some sort of slaves.
People with no legs, who try to murder their girlfriend and get away with it.
And I bet he hates everyone at the Paralympics who has won a gold medal. The bunch of cheating fuckers.
Just wait until he finds out that Stevie Wonder didn't design any of his album covers!
Not to worry though, I did gain over 100 followers on Twitter because of it and got five minutes of material out of it too. I also got a lovely quote for my web site....
As Frank Carson would say, it's the way I tell 'em.....