THIS GUY'S NEWS

I asked a beekeeper for 12 bees. He gave me a box and when I counted them he'd given me 13. I said, 'mate you've give me an extra one' and he said 'it's OK, it's a freebie'

Blind man with dog gets to a crossing and dogs pees up his trouser leg blind man reaches down and gives dog a biscuit man rushes over and says thats the nicest thing that dog peed up your trousers and you gave it a biscuit blind man says im just trying to work out where his mouth is so i can kick him in the nuts

"When does a joke become a 'dad joke?' When it becomes...apparent."

Might not be a 'dad joke' but its my favourite. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. 🤣

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?……..Ian

My husband and I have taken up woodworking. My mate said he didn't know we were carpenters. I said "we've only just begun."

Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

I lost my job looking after the dodgem cars today. I'm going to sue them for funfair dismissal.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare

I'd tell you one about chemistry, but last time I told someone, it didn't get a good reaction

If you're gonna repeat this, you have to say it in an Irish accent...as my Dad was Irish and loved daft Irish jokes...here goes...'Michael, why have you got your front door under your arm?, 'Sure, I'm taking it to get the lock changed', ' how will your family get in?', 'it's ok, I've left the window open for them. '

How do u make a snooker table laugh....... Put ur hands down it’s pockets and tickle it’s balls

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in HD? HDMI!

Why don't blind people go bungee jumping because it scares the crap out of there dogs

What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr dre

I went to the doctors the other day and told him I felt like a supermarket. He asked me how long I had felt like that, I told him ever since I was lidl

An ice cream seller was found dead in his van. He had flakes shoved up each nostril, his mouth stuffed with hundreds and thousands, and strawberry sauce clogging up his ears. The police believe he topped himself.

I was walking down the street carrying a 9ft book when a passer by asked me "what are you doing with that" to which I replied........ its a long story!!

The umbrella was originally going to be called just brella, but the inventor hesitated.

My mate Joe was on the dolly Parton diet. It made joe lean joe lean....

Jo Brand talked movingly about her father, how he'd separated from her mother and was now living a sad life, residing in a caravan. She then went on to say that she was doing quite well in her career now and was in a position to help him out. Ending "But he wouldn't let me go out with my mates when I was 15, so fuck 'im."

A bloke had a carrot in his ear. His mate told him “You’ve got a carrot in your ear” he replied “I cant hear you, I’ve got a carrot in my ear”

Whose cruel idea was it to put an 'S' in lisp

Kevin the inflatable boy took a pin into his inflatable school and wreaked complete havoc... When called into the headmasters office to face his punishment he was told "you've let me, yourself and the whole school down!"

Knock Knock Who's there? Europe Europe who? No Europe who ( you're a pooh!) Lol